Heard Around the House, Part 48

SAM: What did you do to your hair, Mom? Why isn't it curly?

ME: I straightened it.

SAM: Why?

ME: I thought it would look nice. Why, you don't like it?

SAM: No, I don't. It looks funny like that.

ME: I guess it's time we have that conversation called: Things you should never, ever say to your future wife.

Link | 04 June 2009 at 02:26 PM 

My Baby Graduated from Pre-K and I’m the Neighborhood Skank

So the good news first: I made it through Sam’s pre-k graduation ceremony without crying once.

I think the key was that I was Camera Mom. I’ve always been an epic fail at being Camera Mom. I never remember to bring my camera anywhere, and when I do, it’s always one photo away from the batteries dying.

But today I learned there’s a big benefit to being Camera Mom – you spend all of your time framing shots, and yelling at everyone to smile and say cheese, and with all of the busy work, you manage not to burst into tears when your sweet little boy is handed his first diploma. Of course, I also managed not to hear his poem about what he wants to be when he grows up the first two times he recited it – I was too busy taking a picture of him reciting the poem – but luckily, he was happy to repeat it a third time, so we were golden.

The bad news is that my neighbors think I’m a skank.

Have you seen tennis dresses? They’re short. And made of spandex. But they’re obviously tennis dresses, right? Apparently, not so if you’re not on a tennis court at the time you’re wearing one.

Before my match this morning, I was out walking the dogs – which was taking forever, because they, for some unknown reason, refuse to pee when it’s rained anytime in the past twenty-four hours – when I ran into my neighbor.

"That’s a cute sundress," she said.

I looked down at my orange-and-pink-spandexed self, confused. "Thanks, but it’s not a sundress. It’s a tennis dress."

"Really?" She looked at me, brow furrowed. "Oh. I thought it was just a regular dress."

And then I realized that the four times a week when I head to the tennis courts at eight in the morning, my neighbors apparently think I’m dressed in a spandex mini-dress to go to the grocery store. Or a bar.

Maybe I should just start carrying my racquet around with me everywhere, so as to give the visual cue: No, I’m not a whore, I just like to play tennis.

Link | 02 June 2009 at 02:46 PM 

Huh

It's amazing how much work I get done when I don't leave the house for three days.

Link | 19 May 2009 at 07:44 PM 

The Big Bump

My father has made a request that I bump Susan Boyle from the top spot on the blog page. And since I am nothing if not a dutiful daughter, here’s my bump post.

Summer has arrived in Florida. It’s freaking hot out. I took Sam to the playground after school, and after running around in the sun for an hour, he’s now dehydrated and cranky. I bribed him with a movie (he chose Sword in the Stone, which I’ve come to regard as the dullest of all the Disney movies), to gain five minutes of blogging peace. I’m now hiding in my office with an ice cold dirty martini.

So here's the update: nothing much is happening with me. We’re in the end-of-the-school year push here. Sam’s excited to leave pre-k behind and graduate to kindergarten – insert my heart breaking here – and I’m trying to get as much writing done as possible while school is still in session. I’m currently writing the next book in my young adult Geek High series (which I publish under my pseudonym, Piper Banks).

My only other big news is that my next adult book is done! It's off my desk, and in my editor’s hands! It’s not coming out until Summer 2010, but I can honestly say it’s my favorite book to date. Normally, by this point in the writing process, I’m so sick of the book, I’m ready to torch the manuscript, Misery-style. But this one’s different . . . this one I’m still in love with. So hopefully, my readers out there will find it worth the wait.

Link | 08 May 2009 at 05:42 PM 

My Monday Morning Inspiration






Link | 13 April 2009 at 08:48 AM 

Survival Skills

After an afternoon spent watching Zoe patrol our back patio, unsuccessfully hunting lizards and doing her best to strike fear in the hearts of passing rottweilers who were safely outside the fence, I came across this story about miracle dog, Sophie Tucker.

After living with pugs for years, I'm always impressed by truly useful dogs. It's not that a pug wouldn't survive a ship wreck. But instead of swimming five miles to safety, then hunting feral baby goats for sustenance, a pug would simply float along until she found a bigger, more luxurious yacht passing by. Then, once aboard, the pug would insist upon taking over the state room and spend her remaining days at sea dining on filet mignon and bossing around the ship's crew into doing her bidding.

It's their greatest talent. The pug comfort gene.

Link | 12 April 2009 at 08:00 PM 

Heard Around The House, Part 47

ME: I think a guy was hitting on me at the Publix deli meat counter.

GEORGE: Look at you! You still got it!

ME: Hmmm. I don’t think you’re supposed to have that reaction when another man hits on your wife. I think you’re supposed to talk about opening cans of whoop ass, etcetera.

GEORGE: I was trying to be supportive.

ME: Anyway, he had disgusting toe nails.

GEORGE: Ewwwwww!

ME: No kidding. They were a half an inch long. So long, they were starting to curl under. And you know how I feel about poor foot grooming.

GEORGE: Yes. You’ve mentioned something about it in the past.

ME: Badly pedicured feet make me hurl. Seriously: this guy was hitting on me, while wearing Tevas –

GEORGE: Wow, that’s bad.

ME: -- with his hideous, Howard Hughes toe nails on display for all the world to see. I nearly vomited right there at the deli counter. And I was wearing a wedding ring! What kind of a man hits on a married woman while he has ugly toe nails?

GEORGE: I think you just answered your own question.

Continue reading "Heard Around The House, Part 47"

Link | 07 April 2009 at 05:03 PM 

Drive-By Blogging

My apologies for the blogging drought! I’ve been working frantically, trying to get the latest book finished. But barring a computer meltdown, the end is near, so hopefully I’ll be back posting soon.

Until then, here’s a brief update on me:

1. The new season of Amazing Race is on! Who are you rooting for? I’m firmly on team Margie and Luke. Also, I'm still reeling over the fact that Hosea somehow managed to defeat Stefan on Top Chef. Just how much of the product placement wine were the judges glugging down?

2. My younger pug, Zoe, is on a diet (mostly because she’s due for her yearly check-up, and I want to avoid a lecture from my vet).

Zoe on a diet is not pleasant to live with. She’s constantly on the prowl for food, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s half-goat. Last week, she actually learned out to climb up the pantry shelves. She pulled down a bag of unopened potato chips, which she proceeded to open – impressive considering her lack of thumbs – and consume.

Yesterday, Sam and I returned home to find the picture frame he’d made me for Valentine’s Day missing. He’d painted it red and glued conversation hearts all over it, and it was the best present I’ve ever received. We looked all over the house for it . . . and found the remains of it under my desk. Zoe had knocked it off the table, and chewed off every last candy heart. Sam and I both wept a little, but he finally patted my arm, and told me that it would be okay, because he’d make me another one.

3. Speaking of Sam: he has confused the words wonky and Wookiee (i.e., Chewbacca of Star Wars fame). Whenever the sheets on his bed get twisted up, he’ll come out and announce, "My sheets are Wookiee. You must come fix them." George and I find this hilarious, and hope that he never stops. I still haven’t fully forgiven his pre-school teacher for telling him that the letter W is not pronounced "bubble-two."

Link | 04 March 2009 at 08:50 AM 

A Tale of Two Pugs

On one side, we have Lulu: As twitchy as a meth addict. Has a fondness for hiding under beds. Only feels safe when she has something to chew with her at all times.

On the other side, Zoe: Immorally hedonistic. Despite her small size, sincerely believes she strikes terror in the heart of every pit bull in the neighborhood. Purrs like a cat when stroked.

Lulu: Oh. My. GOD. The end is NIGH. Bad things. About to happen. ANY MINUTE! You see those people out there? Yeah, those people RIGHT THERE. Any one of them could turn out to be a ZOMBIE. And do you know what zombies do? They SUCK brains. Seriously scary situation happening right here, right now. I am FREAKING out.

Zoe: When I sit here and blink my eyes, I look like a character in a Disney movie. Can't you picture a little cartoon butterfly fluttering by my head?

Lulu: What was that noise? What? Where? Did you hear that? Because I think I hear something! WHAT WAS THAT??? ZOMBIES!!!!

Zoe: I’m so pretty. I look especially fetching, when I hold up one paw just like this.

Lulu: There is a DOG walking by our HOUSE! A DOG! WALKING!!!! Is NO ONE paying attention? I know he’s on a leash, but he could break free any minute, man, and he could step on our lawn, and the SHIT could start going down, just like THAT. And that guy walking him? Zombie. I swear to GOD. I know, I’ve sounded this alarm before, but I’m about ninety to ninety-five percent sure that guy is a brain-sucking zombie walking a freaky zombie dog!!!

Zoe: When I roll on my back, and stick all of my paws up in the air, my belly is open for rubbing. Mmmm. Just like that. Rub higher. Lower. Higher. Lower. Up a little. Keep going.

Lulu: The UPS man is here! THE UPS MAN!!! IS!!! HERE!!! TAKE COVER!!! This is it!! THIS COULD BE THE END!!! HE’S NOT TAKING ME ALIVE!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!

Zoe: Did I say you could stop rubbing my belly? No? Then what exactly do you think you’re doing? Rub now, or risk losing a nose. God, the service in this place sucks. And can you please shut that weird twitchy dog up in her crate? It’s hard finding my Zen place without having to listen to Twitchel's yapping. And you people call this place a spa?

Link | 10 January 2009 at 06:28 PM 

Facebook

I'm on Facebook! Check me out!

(Warning: for some reason my headshot is really large on the Facebook page. Really, really large. Freakishly large. You have been warned.)

How is it that I've been missing out on the wonder that is Facebook? Why haven't any of you ever told me about it?

I've spent several exciting days looking up everyone I've ever known, and finding out all sorts of fun things about them. For example, one of my friends from middle school is now a comedian on Saturday Night Live! How freaking cool is that?

Nick Hornby says that ninety percent of being a successful writer is staying off the Internet. I'm clearly doomed.

Link | 05 January 2009 at 01:38 PM 

Random New Year’s Eve Conversation

A woman I've only just met looks around the room and sighs.

Me: What's wrong?

Her: I think I'm the only woman at this party who doesn't have breast implants. In fact, I think I'm the only woman in this town who doesn't have implants.

Me: I don't have breast implants.

Her: stares hard at my chest

Me: I'm wearing a Wonder Bra!

Her: You are? Oh, well, that's okay then. Have you ever wondered what aliens would think if they came to earth and saw all of these weird humans walking around with breast implants? They'd be, like, what is up with that? Don't you think? Haven't you ever wondered about that?

Me: Um . . . no.

Her: Well, I have. Peers into her empty wine glass. I need another drink.

Link | 02 January 2009 at 01:56 PM 

Kung Fu Pug

Behold: my new Acorn Sheepskin-Collar slippers.


slippers.jpg



It's like walking around on two furry clouds. (And affordable! Only $43.15 at Sierra Trading!)

There's just one problem . . . apparently furry lambskin slippers are to pugs what red flags are to bulls. They move them to attack. And not an ordinary sort of attack. Oh, no. Slippers require special fighting skills.

When Zoe attacks one of Sam's teddy bears, she tends to come at it head on, thrashes it around a bit by the neck and then settles down to rip to rip the stuffing out, pausing only to nap with all four paws sticking straight up.

She goes after my slippers in a different way altogether. First of all, she only attacks when I'm wearing them. Then, she sneaks around behind me, and then comes flying at the slippers, legs outstretched, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style, a menacing growl in her throat. She attaches herself to my slipper like a mongoose wrestling a snake, resisting all attempts to dislodge her from it.

The sound effect goes something like this:

ME: shuffling along happily in my fuzzy slippers

ZOE: ROARRRRRRR!!!!

ME: ACK!!!! ZOE!!!! STOP IT!!! GET OFF!!! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!

Link | 30 December 2008 at 09:24 AM 

Mars and Venus

Sam attempted to impress a new acquaintance at the playground – a little girl of the pink-frocked, pig-tailed variety – with his newest Transformer.

"This is Optimus Prime," Sam informed her. "And when you do this –." He paused to contort the movable pieces of plastic. "He turns into a truck!"

Sam beamed, holding up the Optimus truck for the little girl’s admiration. She stuck her nose in the air and stalked off toward the jungle gym, leaving a confused Sam in her wake.

"Yeah, that trick never works on girls," George observed sympathetically.

Link | 22 December 2008 at 02:53 AM 

Jolly Old Elf

If Santa smokes, it's got to be good for you, right?


santa smoking.jpg


I bet Santa also enjoys a nice scotch on the rocks and a relaxing elf massage after a particularly taxing Christmas Eve.

Link | 21 December 2008 at 04:05 PM 

FIVE! GOLD! RINGS! (ba-dum-bum-bum)





Link | 19 December 2008 at 07:14 PM