Heard Around (My Dad's) House, Part 59

Dad: Do you want to go tour a winery on --

Me: YES. It doesn't matter when. The answer is yes.

Link | 27 July 2011 at 09:58 PM 

Heard Around the House, Part 58

Sam: In the Veggie Tales I just watched it said that you shouldn’t try to get money and stuff that you want, because God doesn’t like that.

Me: Eh. I’m not so sure about that.

Sam: No, that’s what it said. Do you want to watch it?

Me: No, I believe you. I just don’t agree with the sentiment. I think God would be perfectly happy for me to have some really cute new shoes.

Sam: You’re kidding.

Me: Money’s not so bad. You can get some really good stuff with money.

Sam: But it’s better to give stuff to people who are poor and don’t have a lot.

Me: Like your new Transformer? You want to give that away to the poor?

Sam:

Me: Yeah, I thought so.

Sam: I could take my bike to the hospital, and give rides to kids who are sick and can’t ride bikes of their own. I’d let them sit on the seat and hold on to me while I pedal.

Me: Okay, you win, that’s just too ridiculously cute and sweet to argue with. But, FYI, you absolutely are not allowed ride your bike all the way to the hospital.

Link | 22 July 2011 at 08:56 PM 

Heard Around the House, Part 57

A conversation with my 7-year-old:

ME: Your new camp t-shirt looks great on you!

SAM: Does it bring out the the color of my eyes?

Link | 07 July 2011 at 06:25 PM 

Solids, Liquids and Customer Service

I had the following conversation with an extremely grumpy Starbucks barista.

Me: I’d like a grande iced Americano with no water and extra ice.

Her: That’s not an Americano.

Me: Excuse me?

Her: If you don’t add water, it’s not an Americano. It’s just shots of espresso in a cup.

Me: Yes, that’s what I’d like. With lots of ice. Please.

Her: {Gives me a hard stare.}

Me: Is there a problem? I order this all the time.

Her: If there’s no water added, it’s not an Americano.

Me: But the espresso melts the ice and turns it into water.

Her: I know what happens to ice when it melts.

Me: And I don’t want extra water added, because then it’s too watery.

Her: But then it’s Not. An. Americano.

Me: Okay. Um. I guess I’m not seeing what the issue is here. Can you just make it for me the way I asked?

Her: Fine. What-ever.

She then huffed, and muttered under her breath, and stomped around, and finally, thumped my beverage on the counter.

I was totally going to say, Thank you for the AMERICANO, but chose to rise above. Also, I was a little worried she’d remember me and spit in my drink the next time I came in.

Link | 25 June 2011 at 03:01 PM 

Heard Around the House, Part 56

Sam: What kind of pie are you making?

Me: It's a quiche. It's basically an egg and cheese pie.

Sam: Ick. Can't you just fill it up with blueberries?

Link | 17 November 2010 at 06:08 PM 

Heard Around the House, Part 55

In the wee small hours of the morning.

Sam: (appearing at my bedside, looking far too awake) We need to get invitations.

Me: Ergh. Huh? What time is it?

Sam: We need to get invitations for the Guilty Party.

Me: For what?

Sam: The Guilty Party.

Me: What’s that?

Sam: You know. The Guilty Party. And at the end of the party, the mystery is revealed!

Me: Oh. Wait. I think you’ve gotten something mixed up . . . Seriously, it's only 5 am? Go back to bed!

Link | 17 October 2010 at 09:40 PM 

Heard Around the House, Part 54

Me: I'm contemplating a drastic hair change.

George: How drastic?

Me: I was thinking about cutting it all off and going white blonde. Like Jenna Elfman during her Dharma years.

George:

Me: You don’t think that would look good? Wait, where are you going?

George: To get the phone. You need to be talked down from this insanity by someone who has more hair style credibility than me.

Link | 30 September 2010 at 07:59 AM 

Heard Around the House, Part 53

A conversation while walking the pug in the rain.

George: Why is Zoe walking sideways?

Me: She doesn’t like it when it’s wet out.

George: But how does scuttling sideways like a crab make it less wet for her?

Me: I don’t know. I just wish she’d stop talking smack to every big dog we come across. It’s embarrassing. And the big dogs' owners all laugh at her.

And a bit later . . .

Me: It’s steak salad day at the Osceola Café. I could be persuaded to give up my sweat pant day if you want to take me out to lunch.

George: You were serious about your sweat pant day?

Me: I’m always serious about sweat pant days.

Link | 29 September 2010 at 08:38 AM 

More Roger

Link | 01 September 2010 at 04:06 PM 

Roger Rules


Amazing Roger Federer trickshot on Gillette ad shoot @ Yahoo! Video

Link | 19 August 2010 at 11:54 AM 

Heard Around the House, Part 52

Sam: When you get really old, you can be a grandmother to my children.

Me: Wow, thanks. Aren’t I old now?

Sam: No, you’re sort of young. You need to collect some more birthdays. Then you can be old enough to be a grandmother.

Me: Good tip.

Sam: And when you’re really old, you can get a cane.

Me: Great. Wow, I’m loving this conversation.

Link | 13 August 2010 at 08:48 PM 

Heard Around the House, Part 51

George: You have to come see this.

Me: What?

George: This song on the Internet. It's hilarious.

Me: No.

George: Come on. It's really funny!

Me: You always say that, and then I never think it's funny. Remember the turtle fence song?

George: You didn't think that was funny? I thought that was hilarious.

Me: I know. That's why I don't want to watch whatever it is you're trying to show me now.

George: I swear you'll think this is funny.

Me: Let me ask you this: Is it funnier than the turtle fence song? Think about this carefully. Because if I don't think it's funnier than the turtle fence song, I will never again watch anything you want to show me. Do you really want to waste all of your capital on the strength of this one song?

George:

Me: Never ever again.

George: Okay, never mind.

Link | 10 August 2010 at 09:09 PM 

Date Night

After hearing and reading countless great reviews, George and I went to see INCEPTION on Saturday night. Ten minutes in, I was pretty sure that it was not my sort of movie. Twenty minutes in, I was in hate with it.

If we’d been watching the movie at home, this was the point where I would have bailed and gone off to do some Internet shopping. But George seemed mildly engrossed, and I didn’t want to make him leave, so I decided to make the best of the situation by taking a nap.

George nudged me, jolting me awake.

I gave him the evil eye, and promptly went back to sleep.

This time George reached over and squeezed my knee.

“You’re missing it,” he whispered.

“Yeah, that’s sort of the point,” I muttered.

The third time he woke me up, I punished George by sending him off to the snack bar to buy me refreshments. But my annoyance at him also meant that I couldn’t fall back asleep, and so was forced to watch the rest of the movie.

The movie didn’t improve. It didn’t make any sense and was unnecessarily loud and chaotic. I've had a stabbing pain in my left temple ever since. And my eye twitch is back.

But George did take me out for a post-movie martini, so date night wasn’t a total loss.

Link | 02 August 2010 at 03:18 PM 

Damn, Hooker

I've decided that the exclamation, "Damn, Hooker!" (as popularized by Lafayette of True Blood fame) is deeply underutilized, and intend to use it from now on as much as possible in general conversation.

Whether or not it's appropriate for the situation.

Link | 01 August 2010 at 08:31 AM 

Sausages

I got a text from my twenty-something friend Alex: Seriously? Who posts about bratwurst on Facebook?

I like bratwurst, I replied.

As everyone knows, Facebook has the option of letting you post your status. Some people like to keep you updated on illnesses/family issues/various life dramas (some real, some – I suspect – the product of very active imaginations). Other people like to wax lyrical about eighties music or interesting anecdotes about their offspring.

Me? I like bratwurst. And was happy to be eating it that night.

I could understand this sort of excitement about a hot dog, Alex texted. I get excited about hot dogs. But bratwurst?

So sad to be so judgmental at such a tender age, I texted back.

I mean, really. Doesn’t everyone get excited about a good bratwurst? Or is that just a byproduct of my sad, (almost) middle-aged life?

Link | 30 July 2010 at 07:08 PM