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Heard Around The House, Part 6

Mom: What did you think of the Florida game?

Me: What? What are you talking about?

Mom: The big Florida/Georgia football game.

Me: You've known me for 32 years. What do you think I think?

Mom: What?

Me: When have I ever shown the least bit of interest in football? It's a stupid, uninteresting game. I couldn't care less who won.

Mom: So were you upset that Florida lost?

Me: Deeply.

Mom: Really?

Me: No. Not really.

Link | 31 October 2004 at 08:05 PM | | Comments (0)

Whit's Flicks

That was actually the name of a movie review column I wrote for my high school newspaper: Whit's Flicks.

I wrote the column until my review for Willow was released, and the humorless student editor made an accusation to the equally humorless teacher advisor that I'd plagiarized a review that had appeared in Newsweek.

"Maybe they plagiarized me, did you ever think of that?" I'd asked the teacher advisor, when she approached me with the complaint (although to be fair to Newsweek, the only similarities between our respective reviews was the fairly obvious observation that the movie had ripped off elements of various fairytales).

Since my review had been handed in before the issue of Newsweek that contained their review had come out, I was pretty much completely and totally vindicated. Nevertheless, I resigned in protest when the editor and advisor refused to run formal apologies in the paper (although the advisor did make the editor apologize to me in person).

I used to be quite a spitfire, back before law school wrung all of the spunkiness out of me.

Anyway. Last night, George and I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was fabulous. I don't normally enjoy movies that are weird just to be weird (for example, Adaptation and Memento), but Eternal Sunshine was weird in a fascinating way. Jim Carrey gave the best performance I've ever seen of him, and Kate Winslet was as wonderful as always. I highly, highly recommend it.

Link | 30 October 2004 at 03:15 PM | | Comments (0)

Mother Of The Year

Conversation with my mom's friend:

Friend: So is Sam talking yet?

Me: He talks a lot, but mostly he just says, "Bitta, bitta, ook. Za!"

Friend: And you know exactly what he means, right?

Me: No. I have no idea what he's saying.

Friend: [pause] Usually mothers always know what their children are trying to say when they babble. It's like a private language between the two.

Me: Yeah. Um . . . no.

Friend: Huh.

Me: Well, when he points at a tree, and says, "Twee!" I know what he means. Does that count?

Link | 27 October 2004 at 10:51 AM | | Comments (0)

Heard Around The House, Part 5

Me: I'm being interviewed tomorrow for a newspaper article.

George: Just try not to say anything offensive.

Me: Excuse me? When do I ever make offensive statements?

Link | 26 October 2004 at 11:05 PM | | Comments (0)

Say What?

Whilst out shopping, I overheard the following conversation between two gray-haired little old ladies:

Little Old Lady One: Do you want to go up to the outlet mall?

Little Old Lady Two: Nah. I just shot my wad. I'm gonna go home.

Shot my wad?

So now the only question is, is she really that crass, or does she just not know what that phrase means? Inquiring minds, and all that, but it would take a braver woman than me to ask her. I don't mess with trash talking grandmas.

Link | 25 October 2004 at 01:22 PM | | Comments (0)

Me Me Me

I've updated the Author page. What do I wear when I write? How good of a dancer am I? What's my favorite saying?

The definitive answers are here.

Link | 24 October 2004 at 08:59 AM | | Comments (0)

Good News, Bad News

Good News: George switched me over to Movable Type, which means the comment function has returned (and it's about a thousand times easier to leave comments now).

Bad News: My blog archives are gone, and will remain so until such time that George can figure out how to import them.

Link | 23 October 2004 at 09:30 PM | | Comments (0)

Life With A Toddler, Part Four

Sam is usually a pretty easy going, drama-free kid. Up until this morning, which has been going something like this:

Step One: Sam grabs George's belt (as George is attempting to put on said belt), clutches it joyfully to his chest, and then immediately sticks it in his mouth.

Step Two: I grapple with him for a minute before succeeding in wrenching the belt out of his kung fu grip. I return the belt to George.

Step Three: Sam throws himself on the ground and sobs. His face turns red. Tears roll down his cheeks.

Step Four: I give Sam a cuddle, and than distract him with a toy. This works for a few minutes, until Sam sets his sights on his toothbrush. Or my shoe. Or the dog's leash. Or a pair of scissors.* Or shards of broken glass.* Or a flaming torch.*

Step Five: Go back to Step One. Repeat all steps.

*No need to call Child Protective Services. I'm exaggerating on the fire, glass and scissors because it makes the post funnier. Really, try reading it without those examples. Not as funny, right?

Link | 21 October 2004 at 09:38 AM | | Comments (0)

Netiquette

Everyone has as blog. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that my grouchy yet frighteningly clever pug had a blog, which I imagine would go something like :

Today I thwarted my female captor by winding under her feet and tripping her. While she was distracted, I managed to steel all of Short Round's graham crackers. Excellent. And tomorrow . . . tomorrow I do the same thing I do every night. Try to take over the world!*

Anyway. I check out a half-dozen or more blogs a day, and I've been noticing a disturbing trend among posters -- both bloggers and commenters alike -- to end every post with the following gem:

I'm just saying.

Why? Why is this repeated over and over and over? It's becoming the blogging equivalent of the surly "What-ever" of the Buffy-inspired Gen-Y dialect.

Sometimes they even vary it up:

I'm just sayin'

Or

I'm just saying . . .

Or

I'm just sayin' . . .

Original, no?

No.

It's gotten to the point where it is now a cliche. And worse, it's redundant. It's like saying, "Personally, blah blah insert opinion here blah blah**," when it's already perfectly clear that whatever it is that's about to pop out of your mouth is your personal opinion.

Likewise, we know that whatever it is that you just typed is, in fact, what you were "just saying."

So, please. Let's just move on.***

*The reason I didn't do better in law school probably had something to do with how addicted I was to Pinky and the Brain. In case you're not familiar with this Warner Brothers cartoon gem, it was about two lab rats who were forever trying - and failing - to bust out of the laboratory so that they could take over the world. The Brain was a genius, and Pinky . . . well, not so much. Every episode ended with a variation on the following conversation:

Pinky: Gee, Brain what do you want to do tonight?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

Pinky: Narf!

**Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I do this all the freaking time.

***A fair question would be, And why does this bother you so much, Whitney?

And my answer would be, Actually, it really doesn't bother me at all.

I'm just bored, couldn't think of anything else to blog about, and wanted to work in a Pinky and The Brain reference. Mission accomplished.

Link | 20 October 2004 at 09:11 PM | | Comments (0)

Army Of One

Considering my complete lack of respect for authority figures, I wouldn't have lasted ten minutes in the army. But I've always had a secret fantasy of being a drill sergeant, and getting to yell at a new recruit who has made the mistake of addressing me as "sir":

"DON'T CALL ME SIR. I WORK FOR A LIVING!"

Yes, technically I know I would be a "ma'am," not a "sir," but it isn't as much fun to yell.

I also like saying, "HOO-yah." Just because.

Link | 19 October 2004 at 01:10 PM | | Comments (0)

Cup o' Joe

The percolator didn't work out. The coffee wasn't horrible -- and certainly better than the drip pot -- but it tasted boiled.

I had better luck with my next experiment -- the French Press. Of course, this also necessitated the purchase of a grinder, but it was well worth it. The results have been phenomenal.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm getting addicted to buying coffee accoutrements. My latest purchase was this little baby, which foams up milk for home cappuccinos.

And now I'm eyeing espresso makers. I know I'm in trouble, because I've started thinking of ways to justify the $400 purchase price for one of the entry level ones:

"Sure that's a lot of money, but just think: in only 163 visits to Starbucks, it would pay for itself!"

It's a sickness. I do see that.

Update: And the beans! There's a whole world of ridiculously expensive coffee beans out there to try!

Link | 19 October 2004 at 11:08 AM | | Comments (0)

Genius, I Suspect

Last week, at Sam's first Kindermusik class, he spent the entire time trying to horde all of the toys. This concerned me. I've never liked grabby people, and it's impossible to convince a toddler that no, he can not have every single bell-on-a-stick, because the other children would like to play with them too.

At today's class, Sam did much better. He contented himself with snitching George's and my toys, and he even got into shaking the egg shaker along with the egg-shaking song.

At the beginning of every class, they sing the Hello Song, by greeting each child with different types of movements, for example, stomping their feet, or tapping the ground, or waving, etc. The teacher asked me what kind of sounds Sam responds to.

"Applause," I said. "He likes it when people clap for him."

So the class greeted Sam with applause. He made a good faith effort to appear modest.

Link | 16 October 2004 at 10:07 PM | | Comments (0)

Withdrawing In Disgust Is Not The Same Thing As Apathy

When Steven Spielberg released E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial on DVD, he had the guns that the federal agents were carrying digitally removed. I shit you not. Apparently the firearms (which, I might add, were what added the element of suspense to that final scene where the agents are chasing Elliot and E.T. through the streets of suburban California, until Elliot and E.T. make their escape on flying bikes) were deemed too harsh for Generation Next.

They didn't worry about such things with my generation, growing up as we did under the omnipresent threat of Global Thermonuclear War.

What's next? Are they going to switch around Bambi so that rather than being gunned down in the beginning of the movie, Bambi's mother will live on to lecture Bambi about the evils of intolerance and gun violence, make some Shrek-style fart jokes and finish the movie with a rousing musical number?

And you wonder why we Gen-Xers are so cynical.

Update: George just told me that they've also changed out the end of Return of the Jedi, so now during that scene where all of the planets are celebrating the fall of the Empire, they've added in a shot of that ass clown Jar Jar Binks, dancing and crowing, "We-sah freeee!"

I give up. If they're taking requests, maybe they can just digitally remaster my entire childhood, starting by deleting out all of my parents' fights and that unfortunate two year period in middle school where for some inexplicable reason I wore purple tinted eyeglasses. And then they can add in a Sixteen Candles scene, with a hunky guy giving me a lit up birthday cake and telling me to make a wish.

Link | 16 October 2004 at 09:06 PM | | Comments (0)

May The Force Be With You

When Sam digs around in his toy chest, examining and then discarding various toys by tossing them back over his shoulder, he reminds me of Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back, harassing the always-annoying Luke.

The problem with Star Wars (beginning the sentence this way will almost surely cause George to hyperventilate -- he loves Star Wars so much, that if he could have married the movie, I probably wouldn't have stood a chance with him) was the decision to cast Mark Hamill as Luke. God, that guy was such a dweeb. He whined his way through three freaking movies.

"Awwww, Uncle Owen. It's not fair! I want to be a Jedi, like my father. Blah, blah, blah."

What kind of a hero is that? And let's not even talk about the incestuous angle, where Luke spends the first two and a half movies lusting after Leia, only to find out a the very end of the third that she's his sister. Yuck.

I've always wished the trilogy had ended with Luke going over to the dark side, and Hans Solo zooming in and blowing up Luke, Darth Vadar and the rest into smithereens. Now that would have been one cool-ass movie.

Link | 15 October 2004 at 03:05 PM | | Comments (0)

We Remember

As I posted earlier in the week, October has been Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month since 1988 when President Ronald Reagan signed the proclamation declaring it so. President Reagan lost his own infant daughter, Christine, in 1947. She lived for only a few short hours after being born premature.

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. In memory of our lost children, and to promote support, education and awareness for grieving parents worldwide, we ask all of our friends and family to light a candle at 7 p.m. local standard time. Our hope is that a continuous circle of light is created around the world in honor of our children, who are loved and missed everyday.

I will be lighting a candle tonight in memory of our first son, George Henry, who was born still on August 12, 2002, of unknown causes, and also in memory of the lost children of my friends.

For more information about infant and pregnancy loss, please visit the March of Dimes website. The March of Dimes provides an array of helpful bereavement materials to parents and families. They accept donations here.

Link | 15 October 2004 at 08:03 AM | | Comments (0)

Multi-Tasking

I've updated the list of excerpted reviews for True Love (and Other Lies).

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change a poopy diaper.

Link | 12 October 2004 at 09:02 AM | | Comments (0)

Greetings Teddy Ruckspin Fans!

I was just perusing through my website stats, and learned that more people are ending up here through the search string "Teddy Ruckspin" than anything else.

Other popular search strings that cause people to trip into my little corner of the internet:

"gave him the wrong finger"
"my c-section is scheduled too close to my due date"
"anti breastfeeding"
"don't drown your food"
"damaged hair salon treatment boston"

Alas, my book titles didn't even break into the top twenty.

Link | 11 October 2004 at 09:01 PM | | Comments (0)

Life With A Toddler, Part 3

I've been teaching Sam how to clink his sippy cup against my glass, and say, "Cheers!"

It's important that he learns these lessons early.

Link | 10 October 2004 at 09:00 PM | | Comments (0)

On Writing

George is currently reading the manuscript for my third book, and he just reported that one of the character is a blunderbuss.

I don't even know what that means.

Link | 10 October 2004 at 03:18 AM | | Comments (0)

Life With A Toddler, Part 2

"Why do you hate the baby?" George asked, looking at Sam's new giraffe costume.

Hmph. I think Sam looks adorable in it.

Link | 09 October 2004 at 11:12 AM | | Comments (0)

Bad Baby Names

Julie Aigner-Clark, founder of the uber-popular Baby Einstein videos, named her daughters Aspen and Sierra. Yup. That's right: Aspen and Sierra.

Wouldn't you just love to have overheard the conversation in which she and her husband settled on those names?

"I want a name that says 'New Money,'" Julie Aigner-Clark might have said, lying in bed in their Dynasty-inspired bedroom, stroking her round pregnant belly.

"How about Platinum?" her husband throws out.

"It's pretty, but, you know, it might end up being the next Tiffany. How about Gucci? Gucci Aigner-Clark. Ooo, or maybe Paris? I heard those hotel people, the watchamacallits, the Hiltons, named their daughter Paris."

"Not bad, not bad. I like the location idea. Wait! I've got it! Aspen. Nothing says New Money like Aspen."

"Oh, that's perfect," she says. "Aspen Aigner-Clark. And if Aspen ever has a sister, we'll name her either Napa or Sierra."

Link | 07 October 2004 at 11:13 AM | | Comments (0)

Life With A Toddler

The manuscript for my third book, She, Myself & I, is sitting in piles on my dining room table. Every time Sam motors by he reaches up, grabs a stack and then throws it around him like confetti.

"You know that diaper you're wearing? And the college that you'll someday be attending? That's all being paid for by those papers you're tossing around," I told him sternly.

Sam just giggled. He seems to have no concept of the word deadline.

Link | 05 October 2004 at 11:14 AM | | Comments (0)

Heard Around The House, Part 4

Me: You, Sir, are correct!

George:

Me: Get it? Don't you know who I'm supposed to be?

George: That was an impersonation?

Me: Yes. Of what's-his-name. Johnny Carson's side-kick.

George: Ed McMahon?

Me: Yup. You, Sir, are correct!

George: That's the worst impersonation I've ever heard.

Me: It sounded better the first time.

George. No. It didn't.

Link | 04 October 2004 at 11:15 AM | | Comments (0)