Whitney Gaskell: March 2005 Archives

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PMS Advisory System

Link | 30 March 2005 at 11:35 AM | | Comments (0)

The Office Redux

I just watched the first half of the American rip-off of the brilliant UK sitcom, The Office.

Same jokes. Same basic characters. And yet, not nearly as funny.

The American Dawn was a melba (which is sorority lingo for boring, as in Melba Toast), and the American Tim was doing a really weird impression of the real Tim, right down to his facial tics.

Since the only other television show left on our Tivo list is today's Teletubbies episode, I guess I'm off to bed.

Link | 24 March 2005 at 09:53 PM | | Comments (0)

Amazing Race

I hate this season, I really do. All of the teams suck. And I don't know how much longer I can stand watching Rob and Amber . . . they're just so . . . so . . . despicable. When they not only came in first, but then won a trip to London, my favorite place in the world . . . it was like a knife through my heart.

Line of the night does go to Rob, though:

"It was like I was born with a lucky horse shoe shoved up my ass."

One can only hope, Rob. One can only hope . . .

Update: Teevee.org sums it up nicely:

You know, there’s nothing in the rules of The Amazing Race that says you can’t bribe people to withhold information from other contestants or con people you’re pretending to be aligned with into giving you money. There’s certainly not a rule that you shouldn’t act like a smug, preening jackass every time a camera is pointed in your general direction. But there’s nothing that says I’ve got to pretend you belong in the Good Guy Club either.

Above and beyond that, do Rob and Amber really need to be on television anymore? They have their $1 million. They have their 15 minutes of fame. Let someone else have a turn. If we keep letting the Rob and Ambers, the Ryan and Tristas, the fucking Ruperts appear on our television sets, we will never be rid of them.

Or to put it another way, to root for Rob and Amber to win The Amazing Race is like rooting for Bill Gates to find a satchel full of money, like hoping that the vain, stuck-up captain of the football team gets laid this weekend, like cheering for the tank to run over that kid in Tiananmen Square. They have the ethics of geckos with their tales caught and represent everything rotten and foul about modern life — excessive pride in worthless achievements, the inability to distinguish notoriety from accomplishment, the abiding belief that the ends justify how crappy you treat your fellow human beings.

Link | 23 March 2005 at 08:51 AM | | Comments (0)

An Oldie But A Goodie

George and I watched Ladyhawke last night, a movie I haven't seen in years and years. The movie was just as great I remembered, but the soundtrack was like something from a bad 1970's porno.

Not that I'd know from personal experience, since I've never actually seen a 1970's porno. But you know what I mean.

Link | 21 March 2005 at 08:03 AM | | Comments (0)

And We Had Fun, Fun, Fun

Yesterday George and I spent the afternoon drafting our wills, living wills and living trusts. Which meant we got to have all sorts of fun conversations, like, "If I'm in a coma, and the doctors don't think I'll come out of it, do you think I should refuse CPR?" and "Should we give our parents the power to sell our house if we're too incapacitated to make those decisions for ourselves?" and "Honey, if you're pregnant, you want the terms of your living will suspended so the doctors will keep you alive long enough to deliver the baby, right?"

I thought we should forge ahead and do our taxes next, but I think this too much for George, as he buried his head in his hands and wept softly at my suggestion. I don't know why . . . nothing says fun like death and taxes. Add some chips and dip, and we could have called it a par-tay.

Link | 20 March 2005 at 04:03 PM | | Comments (0)

La Di Da Di Da, La Di Da Di Da

What's the name of that song?

Heh. Just try to get THAT song out of your head.

Can you tell I've been locked up in the house all day with a grouchy toddler who has the Rainy Day Blues? I'm climbing the walls, just waiting until that golden moment when George walks in the door and I can do something totally crazy, like . . . I don't know . . . actually go to the bathroom ALL BY MYSELF.

Speaking of which, before you have kids it's hard to ever imagine a point in your life when you'll have someone camped out on your lap when you're using the toilet. That's one of the things that the Mommy Sisterhood sort of neglects to tell you.

So let's do a poll . . . who's more annoying: Barnie or Elmo?

Link | 17 March 2005 at 05:42 PM | | Comments (0)

Pointless Post

I just don't feel like seeing the picture of that pedophile loving lunatic at the top of my site any more.

Link | 16 March 2005 at 07:54 PM | | Comments (0)

Tinfoil Hat Brigade

One of Michael Jackson's supporters.

Note the sign. And the sequined glove.

What a freakin' nutjob.

ETA: EWWWWWWWW . . . I didn't even notice the creepy t-shirt before!

Link | 16 March 2005 at 03:30 PM | | Comments (0)

Amazing Race

I was actually sort of bummed to see the girl team eliminated. When they stopped the kissy-kissy stuff, they were actually pretty spunky.

And could Rob be any more full of himself? If it's not bad enough that he's lying and cheating his way through the Race, he doesn't shut up about how brilliant he thinks he is. What a tool.

Link | 16 March 2005 at 08:19 AM | | Comments (0)

Bad Mommy Award

Not only did I give Sam boxed macaroni and cheese for dinner, I gave him the cut-rate Wal-mart version. And I served it to him with . . . wait for it . . . canned peas. Although I did make the mac n' cheese with organic milk, so that ought to be worth something.

And this after I've used disposable diapers, have never co-slept and weaned Sam when he was 14 months old.

If you don't hear from me for awhile, it's because the hippy-dippy Mother Superior crowd has lynched me and locked me up in Bad Mommy jail. They're already after my ass because I did sleep training with Sam . . . the canned peas are just going to push them over the edge.

Link | 11 March 2005 at 07:23 PM | | Comments (0)

Friday Morning Haiku

Today's topic . . . diapers.

What is that I smell?
The odor permeates through
The room where we sit.

Just after the bath
Moments after he is clean
Start over again

Diapers pile up
Within the Diaper Genie:
A mountain of shit.

Link | 11 March 2005 at 08:45 AM | | Comments (0)

I Weep For The Future

Stories like this make me seriously consider home schooling Sam.

Link | 10 March 2005 at 01:33 PM | | Comments (0)

Lost

While watching Lost, it keeps weirding me out when the Party of Five guy calls the Hobbit guy "Charlie."

I'm pretty sure this means that I've watched way too much television.

Link | 10 March 2005 at 08:48 AM | | Comments (0)

Amazing Race

Bye bye, Bimbettes! Don't let the door hit your tattooed asses on your way out! And I just loved how the brothers were weeping as they saw their last chance for a booty call get eliminated.

Most insipid line of the night goes to Amber: "Rob's the leader of our team . . . I stand back and let him make the tough decisions."

Um, right. And this is the chick who out witted, out played and out lasted? If she falls ass backwards into another million-dollar prize, I just might lose my faith in humanity.

And the most laughable moment of the show would be the beauty queen whining, "I can't count." It was reminiscent of the talking Barbie Doll who used to coo, "Math is hard." Do you get the feeling that after a few days of roughing it, she's lost that loving feeling for her GI boyfriend?

Link | 08 March 2005 at 10:30 PM | | Comments (0)

Life With A Toddler, Part 9

After a year of intense lobbying, Sam is finally pointing to me and saying, "Mama!" and doling out bedtime kisses.

He's one tough nut to crack.

Link | 08 March 2005 at 07:49 PM | | Comments (0)

Speaking Of Cool Stuff

Don't even get me started on the Dyson.

Which makes me wonder . . . do you think the Dyson would be so enticing if the spokesman weren't a Eurpoean guy oozing with coolness (sort of a gross image actually), but was instead a fat bald guy named Philbert who lived in Milwaukee?

I think not.

Link | 08 March 2005 at 06:38 PM | | Comments (0)

What I Want

I have to admit it, I have lust in my heart.

It's for a lamp. A really, really cool lamp.

And did I mention that my sixth wedding anniversary was this weekend? In case, you know, anyone was in the market for a present that would make me swoon . . .

Link | 08 March 2005 at 06:29 PM | | Comments (0)

Ta Da!

Here's the cover for my new book, She, Myself & I!

Isn't it fabulous?

And you can already pre-order the book at amazon.

Link | 03 March 2005 at 08:14 AM | | Comments (0)

Do you get the feeling that Keifer Sutherland gets just a little too into his role as Jack Bauer? Like maybe the line between ex-Brat Pack actor and action hero gets a little blurred?

This season is so outlandish. When any situation comes up where the only normal and reasonable response would be to dispatch an entire fleet of Special Ops, if not the entire freaking United States Marine Corp, whoever's in charge says, "We're sending Jack in!"

And Jack goes running in, gun drawn, while George and I sing, "Jack Bauer! Man of action!" to the television.

Link | 02 March 2005 at 11:01 PM | | Comments (0)

Random Thoughts

NBC has come out with an American version of the brilliant BBC show, "The Office."

The question is not will the American version suck, but rather just how hard will it suck?

And on a not completely unrelated matter, the Quiznos talking baby freaks me out.

Link | 02 March 2005 at 09:39 AM | | Comments (0)

Websites I Like

This website has the coolest baby and toddler gear I've ever seen.

It's almost enough to make me want to have another baby.

Almost.

Link | 02 March 2005 at 09:12 AM | | Comments (0)

Amazing Race

We have the show paused while George runs Kate out, so I thought I'd take a minute to remark upon how much I hate the blonde implant twins . . . bizarrely, even more than I dislike Rob and Amber.

Don't know who I'm rooting for yet, although the married couple who want to use the money to try another round of IVF made me cry (see below post re: PMS), and you have to like the POW/Beauty Queen for their pledge to give all of the winnings to the families of wounded GI's. Not that I think either team has a chance in hell after this first episode, so I'm not getting too attached.

The dark horse team of the night is the older pair of female friends. If they'd stop playing kissy-kissy face with one another, I might actually start liking them, despite the stupid ass ruffled skirts and halter tops they were wearing at the beginning of the show.

Update: So the hillbilly team was eliminated. Too bad, I think they would have been a lot of fun to watch. Question: why weren't the gay guys penalized for taking a motorized cart to the beach, instead of a rickshaw like everyone else?

Link | 01 March 2005 at 10:48 PM | | Comments (0)

Heard Around the House, Part 10

Whitney:

George:

Whitney: Whatever you're about to say, I strongly advise you to rethink it. I have PMS, and can't be held responsible for how I'll react.

George: Thanks for the heads up.

Link | 01 March 2005 at 10:44 PM | | Comments (0)

Hardy Har Har

I know, I haven't been blogging much these past few days.

I spent my morning downtown at the county offices, going to this department and that, up to the third floor, down to the first, back to the second, take a number, wait in line, all to prove to said County that we own our house and thus qualify for the Homestead Exemption. Many more papers than seemed necessary had to be shuffled, checks had to be written, blood oaths had to be taken.

And the entire time we're doing this, I had to listen to George say helpful things like, "This is really stupid," and "I don't see why they need this paperwork to prove we own our house . . . can't they just look up the tax records?" and "Don't these people get mail service?" As though I schemed up the whole tax exemption scam just to torture him.

Not much humor to be found there, I'm afraid. Right up there with root canals and flight delays.

I have, however, been getting a few complaints about my uncharacteristic silence.

One of my many fans (who wishes to remain nameless, so to respect his anonymity I'll just refer to him as "Dad") is sending me emails such as:

"I heard the baby locked you in the bathroom!"

and,

"Don't you think it would be funny to blog about how the baby locked you in the bathroom?"

I emailed back, and coldly told him that (a) it was sadistic for him to take such pleasure in my imprisonment, and (b) if he thought it was so funny, maybe I should get Sam to lock HIM in the bathroom on his next visit.

And it's not like the story is even all that funny.

Here's what went down: I went into the guest bathroom, closing the door behind me. When I tried to exit, I realized Sam had come along, and opened the accordian door in the hallway outside the guest bathroom (you have to open the accordian doors in order to access the laundry facilities and the area where we store Sam's beloved Swiffer mop). Because the door to the guest bath opens out into the hallway, the open accordian door prevented me from being able to get out of the bathroom.

Meaning I was basically locked inside . . . just one more victim of an obsessed toddler's quest to get ahold of cleaning implements.

So I did what any reasonable woman would do under the circumstances: I began to scream for George. And scream. And scream some more. Because for some reason, it took him FIVE FREAKING MINUTES to hear me.

Our conversation when he finally did get me out of there went something like this:

Me: Why did it take you so long?

George: I only just heard you.

Me: How is that possible? I was screaming at the top of my lungs!

George: What, do you think I heard you screaming, and decided to leave you locked in there?

Me: {muttering} Huh. Wouldn't surprise me one bit.

Funny stuff, no?

Maybe tomorrow I can blog about how I stubbed my toe on the leg of our kitchen table.

Link | 01 March 2005 at 07:25 PM | | Comments (0)

Amazing Race

Tonight's the premier of AR8.

The question of the evening is: just how much are smug Rob and vapid Amber going to annoy me?

My guess is plenty.

Link | 01 March 2005 at 07:21 PM | | Comments (0)