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Every spring the fashion magazines inevitably run those articles on how to look chic at the beach. The $300 bathing suit everyone who's anyone is wearing, the $450 thong sandals, the little chi-chi bag filled with Chanel lipgloss and Evian water mist and a Gucci hair clip that contains your perfectly highlighted tresses in a casual uptwist. And they give the article some annoying title, like, "Tricks for Staying Cool (and Hot!) at the Beach!"

It's such a crock of shit.

Maybe there are women who can pull off the glamour thing at the beach. But I've never seen one. And I've certainly never seen one who's hauling a kid or two along with her, not to mention beach chairs, an umbrella, four different kinds of sunscreen, towels, extra diapers, outfit changes, sippy cups, snacks and enormous sack of pails, shovels, water wings, floats, etc, etc, etc.

In real life, the chicks at the beach are wearing ratty old t-shirts over their bathing suits and flip-flops from Target and cherry-flavored chapstick. And no one's hair ever looks good when it's exposed to salt water and wind.

Anyway, if you could afford $450 sandals -- which I can't -- who would be stupid enough to wear them to the beach, where they'd get all scratched up in the sand?

This is why I don't read fashion magazines anymore, and stick with decorating magazines instead. Not that I'm entirely shielded from the insanity The inaugural issue of Domino, a new home magazine, had a feature on how to look glamorous while gardening.

Gardening. As in, yard work.

And Domino didn't just stop at recommending you purchase $286 hot pants, a $220 floral tank and $98 tweed ballerina flats to wear whilst weeding . . . they offered different costume themes: The All-American Cowgirl. The British Country Lass. The Provincial Mademoiselle. The magazine went on to advise that you "throw together wellies and a chiffon skirt for a fabulous look” that will take you from right from gardening to a party. Presumably without stopping off for a shower first.

Fabulous? That doesn't say "fabulous" to me. It says "crazy." Or maybe, best case scenario, "drunk."

Posted 15 August 2005 at 01:02 PM