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Scenes from a Grocery Store Check-Out

CASHIER: You have kids, huh?

ME: Yeah. I guess the goldfish crackers, the Gogurt, the juice boxes and the extra-large bottle of wine gave me away. Or, as they’re otherwise known: the Necessities for Modern Parenting.

CASHIER: I like the way you think.

Link | 31 December 2006 at 03:25 PM |

Literary Chicks

It's resolution time!

Link | 27 December 2006 at 08:34 AM |

Literary Chicks

This weeks blog: the terrors of Santa.

Link | 20 December 2006 at 03:07 PM |

Stink Stopper

The Febreze seems to be working. At school drop off today, Sam's teacher mentioned how nice my car smells.

"Better than booze, huh," I said, grimacing.

So if Febreze works on scotch-soaked car mats, could it possibly work on my malodorous dog? Febreze claims it's safe for use around pets . . . how about use on pets?

Link | 15 December 2006 at 09:12 AM |

Whitney and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So this was my day yesterday.

First, I woke up late. How late? Very late. More specifically: I woke at exact moment that I was supposed to be dropping Sam off at school.

Lots of running around ensued, whilst throwing clothes on Sam, shoveling food into his lunchbox, and forcing my sick husband out of bed and into the car, because I didn’t want to do the school run in my pajamas with zit cream on my face.

My life is so glamorous.

And matters didn’t improve from there. Despite my own burgeoning sinus infection, I dropped George off at the doctor’s office, and then did a blitz of errands that were all a week overdue. One of my stops was the liquor store, where I picked up a bottle of scotch as a Christmas present for George’s boss. The bottles were tossed in the back of my minivan, where I presumed they’d be safe for the drive home.

I presumed wrong.

En route to the school pick-up, I took a too-sharp corner. Bottles rolled, knocked into one another and then crash. There was the distinct sound of glass breaking . . . and then the even more distinct smell of expensive scotch filled the car.

“Gah!” I shrieked, rolling down the windows.

“That didn’t sound good,” George said, sniffling. He was so stuffed up, he couldn’t smell the Scotch fumes. They were so overpowering, I had to roll down my window and stick my head out.

“Ohmigod! This is bad! Very, very bad!”

George seemed unperturbed. “It’s too bad the bottle broke, but there’s not much point in getting upset about it,” he said, shrugging.

“Not much point in getting upset?” I repeated. “We are about to pick Sam up from school. In a car that smells like a distillery.”

“So?”

“So the teacher brings Sam out to my car! She's going to smell this! At best, she's going to think I’m a drunk. At worst, she's going to report me to Child Protective Services,” I gabbled.

“At least they’ll think you’re an expensive drunk,” George said. “That was a good bottle of scotch.”

“You think this is funny?”

“Actually, yeah, it is a little funny,” he said.

“You,” I said darkly, “have a very screwed up sense of humor.”

I don’t know if Sam's teacher bought the whole broken-gift-bottle story. And my minivan still reeks of scotch. I keep spritzing Febreze around, in a feeble attempt to absorb the odor, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Let’s just hope I don’t get pulled over by the police anytime soon. I'd get a DUI just on the smell wafting from my minivan.

Link | 14 December 2006 at 09:13 AM |

Husbands and Contests

George is taking over my blog at Literary Chicks this week. His topic: the care and feeding of writers. And, bonus, you can see how handsome my hunky husband is.

And if you haven't yet done so, don't forget to enter the Literary Chicks holiday contest, where we're giving away a ginormous basket of goodies, including lots of L.C. books.

If you're jonsing for even more free books, Dee & Dee are also having a big book giveaway, called the Best of the Best of 2006. They're giving away copies of their favorite books this year . . . and Testing Kate made the list!

Link | 13 December 2006 at 09:07 AM |

Random Thoughts

My dog smells bad.

Really, really bad.

I just bathed her a few days ago, so it's not a lack of cleanliness. I think this is more of an organic odor. A default state.

Which led to this conversation:

Me: I have to take Lulu to the vet.

George: Why?

Me: You don't smell that?

George: What is the vet going to do about her being stinky?

Me: I don't know. Something, I hope. Because that smell is just . . . wrong.

George: What are you going to say? Please fix my dog, she smells bad?

Me: Well. Yes. But I'll make it sound more intelligent than that.

Link | 10 December 2006 at 07:24 PM |

Literary Chicks

I’m de-constructing holiday traditions today at the L.C.

And while you're at literarychicks.com, don't forget to enter the ultra, mega holiday giveaway for your chance to win a ginormous gift basket full of all sorts of goodies!

Link | 06 December 2006 at 01:42 PM |

Monday Morning Confession

I have an unhealthy relationship with my multi-vitamins. The truth is . . . they enable me.

Just this morning, I was trying to decide between having a healthy, high-fiber, low-fat breakfast . . . or a piece of homemade apple pie.

I wanted the pie. But there’s something truly decadent about eating dessert for breakfast. Especially since I no longer have the metabolism I once possessed.

But still: I wanted the pie. I just needed to figure out a way to justify having it.

Pie has fruit, after all. And pie crust is not entirely unlike a slice of whole wheat, high fiber bread. It’s certainly healthier than a donut. Or a Pop-Tart.

I seized upon the obvious solution. I’ll take a multivitamin with my piece of pie, and that will make up for everything.

Flawed logic, perhaps. But the pie? Totally worth it.

Link | 04 December 2006 at 09:04 AM |